Sister Heidi Spiel- Raleigh NC Mission: Update- My Health, My life, My testimony

Part of me as I am starting to write this blog post is wondering if it is a good idea... but this morning as I was reading the Book of Mormon I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to. So here I am, writing it out of faith, and desperately praying that it will convey the message that I want it to.

First off, I just want to say thank you!! I have felt such an incredible amount of love and support from you all since coming back from my mission 3 months ago and it means the world to me. Having to leave my mission was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I don't think I could have made it through it without your love and prayers. They have been felt and very much appreciated.

Now I just want to say that I'm sorry. When I left I said I'd return as soon as possible and promised to keep everyone updated in the meantime but I feel like I've let y'all down.

So here it is! An update on my health, life, and testimony :)

The truth is, that the reason I am home is because I struggle with an eating disorder. And I admit that this is something that is really hard for me to talk about because it is really personal and can make people feel uncomfortable. It's also really hard for me to keep secrets and not be completely open with everyone and so it has been easier for me to just not say anything. But I absolutely loved my mission and the people that I got to serve around and I don't want to feel like I need to avoid it anymore because I don't know what to say.

My Eating Disorder:
I have had an eating disorder since I was about 13. Through middle school and high school I did some counseling and was able to find some great ways to cope with it. I considered myself 'recovered' by the time I graduated high school and it didn't play a big role in my life after that. And because of that, I was able to serve a mission. The Church is pretty strict when it comes to girls serving a mission while struggling with an eating disorder because they have seen the negative effects the pressures of mission life can have on someone. So going on my mission I felt completely confident that I would be able to remain healthy both mentally and physically. However, I didn't realize that the reason I had been doing so well with my eating disorder was because I found other coping mechanisms- which I quickly found out I was not able to use and still be obedient to the daily missionary routine. Well long story short, I found myself battling my eating disorder once again on my mission. For most of it, I didn't tell a single soul because I did not want to burden anyone with my own problems. I was a missionary and I was out there to serve OTHERS, not to receive service. I did tell my parents, though, and they were a great source of support as I went through it. About 11 months into my mission it became apparent that no matter how hard I tried, my problem kept getting worse. So my mom suggested that I talk to my mission president about getting some counseling. President Bernhisel was very loving and understanding when I told him about my struggle, but he was also very stern and told me that if this is something that doesn't get better I will have to go home. Terrified, I did everything I could to stay on my mission but by that point I realized that physically my body could not handle it. The plan was for me to go home and get better physically so that I could function as a missionary, and then to come back out and finish my last 6 months. When I got home, I was admitted to an eating disorder recover clinic and pretty much spent all day, ever day, there for the first couple of months. It quickly became apparent that this was not going to be something that I could recover from in a few weeks and it became more of a reality for me that I was home from my mission for good. I talked to a few of my Priesthood leaders and they all advised me to focus on recovery and to move on in the direction of my life.
My Life:
So that's where I'm at right now. I am still working on recovery and seeing doctors here in Utah while I work and prepare to go to BYU in the fall. All together it has been incredibly hard on me emotionally because I miss my mission so much and feel like I let a lot of people down. But I have seen everything fall into place so perfectly (everything from being able to get into the clinic to being admitted and receiving a scholarship to BYU after the admission deadline) and I just KNOW that Heavenly Father knew this was all going to happen and He has a plan for me. I am enjoying being with my family again and being at BYU has really helped me get into the social life again. I've been able to be home for my brother's graduation from BYUI, the birth of 2 nieces, my nephew's baptism, and the birth of a best friend's first baby. I'll include pictures of all of that at the end :)
My Testimony:
I have learned so much about the Atonement and the love of my Savior over these last few months. No one is perfect, even missionaries despite our best efforts are not perfect, and that is why we need a Savior. I am so grateful that Jesus Christ was willing to come to earth and suffer for MY pains, sicknesses, and afflictions. Because of that suffering, I know that I am not alone in this trial and I know that with His help, I can receive the strength I need to overcome this. My heart has also been opened to those who struggle with addiction, depression, and other physical ailments. I have been blessed to continue to share the gospel with other girls at the clinic and with a lot of friends who have opened up about their struggles as I have been honest about mine. I believe that we go through trials in life so that we can help others do the same. Just as Christ had to suffer the pains of the world so that he could know exactly how to succor us in our time of need. My knowledge of Heavenly Father and His love for me has deepened as well as I have seen His hand in my life and felt of His infinite, forgiving, love. Going to the temple, receiving priesthood blessings, and reading the Book of Mormon has helped to heal my heart and my mind in this process. I know that there is no way those things could have such a tremendous impact if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was not the restored church of Jesus Christ on the earth today- preparatory to the Second Coming of Christ.

I am SO grateful for the countless blessings the Church and the Gospel has brought to my life.

In summary, I just want to say that the point of me writing this was not to receive pity or attention. I just want to be able to be honest with all of you that I love so much and let y'all know how I'm REALLY doing. I also want those of you who may be struggling with something like this, to realize that it is okay! Weaknesses are not something to be ashamed of, they are something to be grateful for!!
Ether 12:27 is one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. It says:
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
God gives us weaknesses because He loves us. My plead is that we all be more understanding of each other's weaknesses and realize that no one is perfect. Just like from the words of John 13:34 "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."